round-up: awful questions

I'll take Seth Godin's "May I help you?" (often spoken by Maia Hepyoo) and raise him a. . .

How are you today? - No one wants to know how you are today. I recommend replacing this with 'Hi, good to see you'.

Were you able to find everything today? - A retail classic I still don't understand - I typically answer it with 'Yes, I managed to find everything I have brought to the check-out counter.' On the other hand, it could be a secret Zen question, like the monk asking for a hot dog.

Can I have your phone number please? - A Toys-r-Us request that I always jam with the phone number I had as a kid in Poughkeepsie.

Let me know if this hurts. - Holy crap, of course it's going to hurt, and when it does, I'll either mumble through a mouth-full of fingers (yours) or scream into space. Don't expect something like 'Golly, sir, it does hurt quite a bit, whatever it was you just did to me back then a moment or so ago.'

Is everything OK with your meal? - I'm chewing it, so it must be edible. If it were spew-flavored, I would not be chewing it - I'd be looking for you. Or hollering (see above).

What do you like about our product? - Why do you need me to tell you what I like? Shouldn't you know already? Didn't you know what I like when you designed it in the first place?

Do you know how fast you were driving? - There is no good answer to this question: yes means you were intentionally breaking the law, no means you're a lazy, inattentive schlub who shouldn't be trusted with a donkey, much less a ton or so of high-velocity metal.

Your nominations are, of course, warmly welcomed. Note that I did not ask Do you have any ideas? which is another awful question. Of course you have ideas. You merely choose not to share them, being the shy and retiring individual you are. Ahem.