(disclaimer - this didn't happen. It would have been better for everyone if it did.)
Dave: And now we've got Michael Richards joining us over closed circuit from LA, hello Michael.
Michael: Hello Dave, thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak to your audience.
Dave: It's been a rough day, what happened?
Michael: I need to start by saying that there is no excuse for what I did on stage the other night, Dave. What I said was wrong, and I'm. . .I'm ashamed and sorry for the hurt I caused to anyone who witnessed it either there or later on the internet.
Dave: Sounds like you had some trouble with hecklers.
Michael: Hecklers are part of stand-up comedy, and no matter what they say, it's the job of the comic to keep his or her cool, and I didn't.
Dave: You has some rough words for them.
Michael: You can hear a lot of rough language in comedy clubs, but what I said went over the line. I lost my cool and in my anger my judgment failed me and I said some very mean, insulting and racist things to people who had paid good money to be there. They didn't deserve it, I didn't intend it, but it happened and I'm profoundly sorry.
Dave: So what's next for you?
Michael: What's next? I need to take some time to understand where those words came from in me. Racism is ignorant, it's hurtful, and I don't want it to be part of my life. I know what's funny, and racism isn't funny, and I just hope that after I've had a chance to reflect on this awful mistake that people will give me another chance to show them that I've learned from this.
Jerry: We're with you on this, Michael.
Michael: Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: (smiles knowingly but a little painfully)
Dave: Well good luck, Michael, and thanks for being so open with us.
Micheae: Thank you, Dave, and I'm sorry we had to talk about this instead of all the other good things going on right now.
Dave: We'll save those until next time. Michael Richards, ladies and gentlemen.