Friday, August 04, 2006

review: tuscan whole milk

Sold by: Amazon.com
Reviewed by: Erich C. Holthaus

If you receive an (sic) package containing "Tuscan Whole Milk", discard it immediately. Do not open it. Keep it away from small children and the elderly.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream goes all melty. It will program your phone autodial to call only your ex-spouses' mother.

This milk will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Psitticosis.

It will cause your dog to meow and your cat to bark.

Tuscan Whole Milk is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of white.

It will cause you to have nightmares involving circus midgets, cheez curls and an early 60's model Rambler.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

Tuscan Whole Milk will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your Grey Poupon with French's. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam and then fill your salt shaker with sugar.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

Please take this warning seriously. Many have been affected by Tuscan Whole Milk. Don't become yet another statistic.

(other reviews)

And don't forget to "vote" for the "usefulness" of my review (from August 5, 2006).

"tuscan whole milk haiku"

my old speak and say
sprayed me with tuscan whole milk
when the cow said moo

(update: the bright minds at Amazon took my haiku revieu down in a bald-faced affront to Japanese culture, childrens' toys and lactating bovines! Arrrrr...)

4 comments:

Ron said...

You Old Meme-latcher-on-er You! Bravisima!

bob said...

Gotta love milk reviews. Every now and then I see something crossing the meme-dar and I just have to throw up a blip of my own. The challenge was to do something different; for some odd reason no one thinks of haiku as their first choice for satirical exposition. But that's just what makes me the artiste I am.

(word verification: qzruen - a northwestern French city occupied by aliens)

sandra said...

That was beautiful!

How did such a bizarre challenge get started?

Anonymous said...

They're gone!! They're ALL GONE! Amazon deleted the whole thing! Travesty!!