With JetBlue's announcement today that they would sell a pillow and blanket set for $7 on flights of two hours or more, the airlines have completely exhausted the most likely set of in-flight revenue opportunities.
What follows is a list of 10 more "creative" opportunities for airlines to monetize their customers. Exact pricing is left to the discretion of the airlines. I can make recommendations if desired.
10. Snake-free Seating - for an extra $x the airline will seat passengers in a "snake-free section" of the plane that is guaranteed to be free from snakes.
9. Biohazard-free Seatback Pockets - for an extra $x the airline will fumigate and clean the seatback pocket in front of you, removing any accreted landfill built up by previous inhabitants of your seat.
8. Emergency Air Mask Policy - for an extra $x the airline will provide passengers with a guarantee that in case of depressurization the airmask that descends will actually work.
7. Service Cart Derby - for an extra $x a member of the in-flight staff will push a service cart into a passenger you designate. For an extra $x the airline will not reveal who paid the in-flight staff to do this.
6. Turn off the Baby - for an extra $x the airline will guarantee that the music you're listening to will not be randomly replaced by the sound of a screaming baby.
5. Turn off Coldplay - see #6.
4. The "No Sudden Dive" Collection Plate - for an extra $x per passenger, up to a pre-set dollar threshhold for the flight, the pilot of your plane agrees not to put the plane into an unannounced dive and subsequent climb at any point during the flight. Encourages team building among passengers.
3. Toilet Paper Vending Machines - for $x the airline will sell you an individualized package of toilet tissue. For an extra $x the airline will sell you an individualized package of toilet tissue that does not dissolve on contact with human flesh. Flight attendants can make change. . . for a minimal exchange fee.
2. Turn off the Magnets - for $x the airline will turn off the magnets in your seat-back tray. Great for laptop users.
1. The Pre-Flight Bake - for $x the airline will turn on the air conditioning at your seat, replacing the stream of stinky warm air that normally issues from the nozzle above you.
If you have any other great ideas for airlines, let me know.
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